Archive for September, 2011

The Divorce Workout.

Divorce Support Group has started a series of one day workshops called The Divorce Workout, designed to help you recover from and help you cope with your divorce or separation.  DSG has got together with A Kidspace to provide these workshops and our next one is going to be in London on Monday November 14th. 

Many people have asked me whether DSG would run a workshop and this is a response to those requests. The idea is that whether you are newly separated, or going through the legal process or are already divorced, you can come to The Divorce Workout to meet others so that you don’t feel so alone with your experience.  We will help you think about how to move through your painful feelings, feel less stuck and start to think about your future without fear.   

We will also help you think about how to answer your children’s questions about their situation and manage any worries that you may have about them.

The workshops run from 10 am to 2.30pm and the next one is on November 14th in North West London. The cost is £60 including lunch.

For more information including how to book a place please call 0207 483 1378 or email c.friedman@www.web218016.clarahost.co.uk

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who gets to feel better quicker?

New research published in The Mail  http://bit.ly/qg2cep shows that men and women who have self compassion, were more likely to recover from their divorce quicker than people who did not have that self compassion.  The research has shown that people who are angry or jealous, but who do not ruminate on these feelings have better outcomes than those who don’t. Isn’t this just saying that people who don’t experience feelings of ruminating or levels of anxiety or jealousy do better than those who do.  Of course, that must be right, but did we need research to tell us that? It’s like saying, people who feel better, feel better.  Part of the reason that people come to DSG support groups is because they need help in dealing with all those feelings including feeling very stuck and unable to move on.  It isn’t easy to experience a divorce or separation and feel self compassion.  People more often than not need help to get through those feelings which includes feeling less alone and isolated because in our groups people can physically see they are not alone and in groups people can share their experiences of how they cope with all those feelings.

 

Remember, you can now ‘like’ our page on Facebook, as another way to keep track of our news and comments.
 

 

 

We are now on Facebook.

We are pleased to announce that Divorce Support Group is now on Facebook.

‘Like’ our Divorce Support Group page for another way to keep up to date with all our news and opinions.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Divorce-Support-Group/255516477821662

Divorce over 45.

More and more people over 45 are separating and divorcing.  There are a number of reasons for this which I have written about.  To read the whole article, click here: http://bit.ly/o4Tskk

Divorce Insurance

There has been a lot of press in the last month or two about divorce insurance.  Some people are horrified by it as though by taking out this insurance policy, it is a cynical statement about marriage.  The article written in My Daily which you can read here – http://aol.it/nnBM9F says that it is ‘horrifyingly practical’   I think it is practical, but horrifying?  We all know the divorce statistics and a bit like knowing burglary statistics, we insure ourselves against it.  That is not to say we don’t enter marriage in the blissful belief that it won’t happen to us.  People who like to anticipate things going wrong in life and who can afford it, will insure against burglary, illness and travel problems.  Isn’t this just another one of those practicalities.  The reality is that most people struggle hugely with the financial cost of pursuing divorce proceedings. That cost comes out of marital assets, and hard earned income.  There is so much talk of lawyers being so expensive.  Isn’t this the way to prevent that loss if your relationship does end.  You can enter marriage full of hope and love with a policy document hidden away in a drawer.  It doesn’t mean that you anticipate anything, it just means that if that rainy day comes, it may not feel financially as well as emotionally devastating.

How do I divorce you?


An opinion piece I’ve written for RealWomenToday.com on the changing reasons for divorce, is now live on their website. You can read the full article here   http://bit.ly/q8BEUD

Top Tips for Divorce and How to Survive it.

Divorce is a major life changing event and although statistically quite common is one of the most painful and difficult events that any of us should have to endure.  These tips are given to try and help you cope and to help make your separation more manageable.

Allow yourself to feel grief.   No-one ever died from wallowing.

It is okay to cry yourself a river until there are no more tears left to cry.

Don’t be surprised at the intensity of your feelings.

Don’t fight how you feel.  It will only add to your exhaustion.

It is completely normal to feel rage, grief, envy, and all the other emotions that you are feeling. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Don’t let anyone tell you that its time to move on or get over it. It will be time when you say so and not before. This is your divorce.

Don’t be surprised at how long it takes to catch up with this life changing event.  It may have been imposed on you when you were least expecting it.  Catching up is a long distance run, not a sprint.

If your friends are also seeing your ex and you don’t like it, let them go.  Your real friends will stay with you and you will meet new ones.

You may fantasise that your ex is living a great life and you feel left out and on the side lines, it is just that – a fantasy.  That feeling will pass.

You are capable of and entitled to a happy and meaningful life, you will get there. 

You will think that the whole world is made up of couples and that is all you see.  Again, not true and more than half the couples that you see will have problems. 

The framework of your life has changed, embrace it and shed the last frame.  By holding on to ideas of how you want your old life back, you will start to feel stuck and opportunities will pass you by.

Start to allow your life to be different from before, instead of longing for how it was. 

Take control of this new life and start to inhabit it. 

You are still you and although you may feel abandoned you are the wonderful person that you were before and you will be stronger for this life experience.

Although you may not believe it now, you will survive and you will be happy again.

 

Has Infidelity Finally lost its sting.

Having given a short interview to Linda Kelsey – Journalist on the Daily Mail, I was interested to read her article published today  http://bit.ly/qWPiY6.  Are we all about love and forgiveness now and finding a way to move on?  As I said before, I think there are many reasons for people leaving each other and filing for divorce and infidelity is a big one.  To talk about infidelity perhaps losing its sting is to underestimate and perhaps ignore the huge devastation that discovering infidelity brings.  Infidelity does not have to be the end of the relationship.  Many celebrity indiscretions are forgiven and we see couples in the public eye soldiering on – Wayne and Colleen,  David and Posh, Strauss Kahn and his wife, but whatever the public face of this seems to be, the private face is almost unbearable for many people.  Yes, find a way through if you can – privately and with help, but the fact that it is more commonplace and more talked about does not in any way diminish its painful impact. 

Does infidelity have to break up a marriage?

I was interested to read the article in several of the papers yesterday about the reasons that people are giving for divorce.  The article in the Guardian    http://bit.ly/ppRZAO   says that fewer people are citing adultery as their primary reason for divorce and more people are citing falling out of love.  Many people who come to our groups have left their partners because of the unbearable pain of discovering their partner’s infidelity.  Discovery usually comes as a brutal shock and calls into question all those shared experiences that have been taken for granted.  Trust flies out of the window as does all sense of self esteem.  So, does it always have to be the death knell of a marriage?

It is a long way back from infidelity to recreating a trusting relationship but people do it.  Sometimes infidelity is a person’s way of saying that they haven’t been happy and something is missing (not always sex)  perhaps emotional needs not being met.  If it is a ‘protest statement’ and both people feel that there is something to salvage and are willing to try then with help things can be fixed.  It is often not the physical act itself (although the thought of a loved one being with someone else is painful enough) but the lack of communication by the betraying partner that things have gone so badly wrong, that they are looking elsewhere that is often the most difficult thing for people to understand.  Many people feel that they had no idea that anything was wrong until the moment of discovery.  Often people say that others viewed them as the perfect couple and they are therefore left bewildered and confused. 

There are many reasons for infidelity and there can be many reasons to stay together.  Sometimes, it is a way out and the unfaithful partner is using it as a reason for leaving. However, sometimes it is a message about something neglected in the marriage and if it is possible to listen to the message and use it  together to grow stronger then with a leap of faith, a lot of help, a wish to invest in something that was good it doesn’t have to break up a marriage.