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As a psychotherapist specialising in Divorce and Separation, I was really interested to read about the Divorce Hotel in the Netherlands.  My
initial response was to think that it must be a gimmick.  The idea is that two people who are well intentioned enough to want an amicable separation book into the hotel and with the help of a mediator dismantle their joint lives and stay friends in the
process.  How does this happen, when mediation doesn’t always achieve this and when hostility makes it extremely difficult to have a non-contentious divorce? 

Firstly, although we can assume that those couples booking into the divorce hotel already have the prospect of success on their side as they are both heading for the same goal,that doesn’t answer all of it. 

In therapy,as in many disciplines, the setting in which an event or a meeting takes place is an integral part of a desired outcome. I can see then, how an ambient environment which is a normalised familiar environment, one which provides good wine, good food and comfortable surroundings will go a long way to facilitating a harmonious outcome. Anything which makes the overwhelming painful event of divorce easier, has to be good, but I can’t help but think (mutually desired outcomes aside), that a weekend is insufficient to process and mourn an enormous loss. 

Perhaps dealing with the practical side of divorce – the assets and the children, takes away much of the worry and anxiety associated with the break up itself, but it won’t take away the overwhelming involuntary emotions, the sleeplessness, the lack of
concentration, the inability to think straight, the loss of self-esteem and the
feeling of being alone and isolated.  The practical aspects of divorce are only a small part of a bigger picture.  Getting a legal divorce is one thing, getting an emotional one is entirely another. 

I like the idea of the divorce hotel.  It can be a place where
divorce doesn’t need to be synonymous with hostility and acrimony.  It can be a place where the couple and all they own is split and they can exit as separate but amicable individuals. My only concern is that on exit as separate individuals, each person takes time to deal with their own personal experience of pain in order to achieve their
emotional divorce and see that divorce is not only an end it is also a new
beginning. A weekend may be enough time to divorce on paper.  It is nowhere near enough time to divorce emotionally.

In the wake of the launch of the Debrett’s ‘Guide To A Civilised Divorce’, the
Telegraph ran a story on ‘How NOT to make your ex your enemy’,
in which I am quoted. Is there such as thing as an amicable divorce? In my
opinion, there can be, although this does not mean it is pain free. To reach an amicable divorce settlement, there needs to be mutual compromise, and if one party feels they have been deeply wronged this can be extremely tough. They have compromised enough already, they feel. You can read the full article here  http://tinyurl.com/7vvhzfb

The Sunday Telegraph Stella Magazine wrote a good article on the new Debretts Guide to Civilised Separation.  You can read the article and my comments here: http://tgr.ph/x3iElT

I was interested to read the article in several of the papers yesterday about the reasons that people are giving for divorce.  The article in the Guardian    http://bit.ly/ppRZAO   says that fewer people are citing adultery as their primary reason for divorce and more people are citing falling out of love.  Many people who come to our groups have left their partners because of the unbearable pain of discovering their partner’s infidelity.  Discovery usually comes as a brutal shock and calls into question all those shared experiences that have been taken for granted.  Trust flies out of the window as does all sense of self esteem.  So, does it always have to be the death knell of a marriage?

It is a long way back from infidelity to recreating a trusting relationship but people do it.  Sometimes infidelity is a person’s way of saying that they haven’t been happy and something is missing (not always sex)  perhaps emotional needs not being met.  If it is a ‘protest statement’ and both people feel that there is something to salvage and are willing to try then with help things can be fixed.  It is often not the physical act itself (although the thought of a loved one being with someone else is painful enough) but the lack of communication by the betraying partner that things have gone so badly wrong, that they are looking elsewhere that is often the most difficult thing for people to understand.  Many people feel that they had no idea that anything was wrong until the moment of discovery.  Often people say that others viewed them as the perfect couple and they are therefore left bewildered and confused. 

There are many reasons for infidelity and there can be many reasons to stay together.  Sometimes, it is a way out and the unfaithful partner is using it as a reason for leaving. However, sometimes it is a message about something neglected in the marriage and if it is possible to listen to the message and use it  together to grow stronger then with a leap of faith, a lot of help, a wish to invest in something that was good it doesn’t have to break up a marriage.

This weekend I went to a wedding of a couple in their early fifites.  Both had been married before and both had children from their previous marriages.  This wedding seemed to be different from other second weddings I had been to.  It was a full on, huge event that might have been more in keeping with a first wedding of a couple in their 20s.  It went on from 5.30pm to 1am.  There were drinks, dancing, dinner, more dancing, more food and finally the end. 200 of their friends all of us in our fifties brought together by the union of this couple.   I was trying to think what it was that made this so different.  There was no apology or embarrassment about the fact that this was the second marriage and no attempt at being apologetic for the extravanganza. It was a celebration, but the most extraordinary thing was that the new husband had his ex wife there.  She was really lovely and spent the evening, smiling and dancing and seemed genuinely happy to wish him and his new wife well.  Their children moved between the groom and their mother really easily and both of them made a speech.  The new wife’s 10 year old daughter also made a speech, saying she was glad that her step dad was so nice and that he wasn’t like the ones in the movies and she finished by saying ‘I know I shouldn’t say this, but this time, please don’t ruin it!.’  The new wife’s first husband on hearing that she was going to marry again, said how happy he was for her and I think had she wanted to invite him, he would have been thrilled to attend.  I write about this, because I think it is rare and a testament to this particular couple.  They had both been through the huge wrench of divorce and come through it, but on that journey they had both taken the decision to not make a bad situation worse and had preserved the essence of a relationship with their ex partners despite the hurt and the pain.  Out of the gloom and darkness they had maintained a dignity, which is the respect that the other was someone they once loved and who was still a parent to their children.  It was that dignity and empathy for the other even though both the bride and groom had been hugely hurt by their ex’s that meant they could fully embrace their new lives together and keep something of their old ones.  I thought it was remarkable.