Next month, Debrett’s, the guide to all things proper, will be publishing it’s Guide to A Civilised Separation. The guide is aimed at helping warring couples remain civil and respectable during the usually acrimonious business of divorce.

Although much of the guide may be common sense, it might be interesting bedtime reading for those who wish that their ex would behave in as civilised a way as they are and may provide useful information and reassurance.  All in all, a pretty picture of what a respectable divorce may look like.   

It is not until Christmas looms large on the horizon that its consequences come into view. For many people, it means that children will not be at home or only partially at home.  For others, it means being alone or having an entirely different sort of experience from the one that might have been enjoyed for years.  Christmas can serve as a painful reminder of what has been lost and can feel like an incredibly long period of time before the New Year comes in.  

Christmas cards written and signed by one person instead of two, looking for presents given from one person instead of two, thoughts of the in laws having a family gathering to which you are excluded and the thought of Christmas lunch with friends or family and children but not yours can seem unendurable. 

Although there is no quick fix, there are ways to make the experience better and anticipation and preparation can be the key.  The idea is to lessen its impact so that it can be viewed not so much in the context of what isn’t available and therefore missed, but in the context of what is available and can be enjoyed.

First of all, make a list of your worst fears and then take some time to really look at it.  A list will often include feeling alone, feeling everything is second best, feeling insecure and unvalued, feeling left out and envious of imagined good times that other people are having.  Really looking at the list can put it in perspective.  Instead of everything feeling unmanageable and overwhelming, you can look at what is bothering you and it will feel more contained – some things won’t seem as bad as others.

Prepare early so that you are not left feeling vulnerable.  Look at your worst fears and meet them head on.  If you don’t want to be alone, make an arrangement way in advance so you can look forward to it and know you have something to do.  

If your children are going to be away for a few days, start to think of it as a mini break for you.  If you can re-frame the experience of it, then it will feel easier.  That means, that instead of looking at it as a loss, look at it as a small gain for you.  They will be coming back, so take advantage of a few days for yourself. It may not be what you want or what you would choose, but because it will happen, you will need to find the positives in it.

If your worry is that you have nowhere to have Christmas lunch, make plans now. If you really can’t find somewhere to go, perhaps you could host your own lunch or drinks party.  It is a start and a way of saying, this year has been bad, but I can survive and manage.  People will see that you are embracing the change and will support you in it.  Hold your head up. 

If plans are not working for you, as it is all too complicated and too much effort, perhaps you can think about sitting this Christmas out, in terms of what you are used to and instead contact a charity and make yourself available for the day.

You may have already started dreading Christmas and how it will impact on you.  That is a long period of time to worry and feel anxious about something that is only one day.  That day will come and it will go and however you have spent it, it will pass. You are entitled to feel sad and unsettled, that is normal. 

Perhaps you can give some thought to this year ending and a new one beginning, with new choices, new freedoms and new possibilities.  Anything new is fearful and it may feel more comfortable to just wish for your old life back. As 2012 is heralded in, change will come with it if you allow it to and if you open the door to the New Year, a fresh start will blow right in.  

Firstly, to become a step parent there will more often than not have been a divorce between your partner and their ex and if not then a separation.  The children who are then part of the new step family bring with them their own feelings about their biological parents which can range from conflicts of loyalty, to open hostility to the newcomer.  Those children are coping with the break up of their family and their parent taking on a new partner.  Often being a step parent can mean that as well as trying to find a way to ‘fit’ with the children, there has to be the ability to tolerate a partners relationship with his or her ex around the children and an ability to cope with the ex-partner’s  envy or hostile feelings to the new partner – the step parent.

That is an enormous amount to take on.  Often the new relationship is punctuated by drama over what the ex is saying or doing with the children and being effectively held to ransom by changed arrangements over contact or holidays.  A new relationship which involves taking on someone else’s children is not just a relationship between two people.  It is a relationship which starts with two people but has to factor in other adults with their own agenda and children who may well not be receptive to a deep wish to have a good relationship.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter how sensitive to others people’s needs a step parent is, whether it’s the ex, doing their level best to make life difficult or the children not wanting to be disloyal to their mother or father, there is a feeling that the price paid for the relationship is high. With the focus mainly on how children can cope with their reconstituted family, I think it is easy to forget how step parents feel in all of this.

Step parents need to find a role within the new family.  Not wanting to usurp the role of the biological parent and take the place in disciplining or decision making, they are left to find a place for themselves outside the couple relationship.  It can be very distressing to be ignored by children or on the receiving end of cold indifference, knowing that in your heart you want to be supportive and sensitive but somehow that is being dismissed by all except the new partner. 

Being a step parent can be, or can become over time, a rewarding and enriching  experience but the huge effort it takes to get there can sometimes be overlooked.

Over the weekend, the Daily Mail covered a story on the rise of people over 60 filing for divorce (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2063430/The-growth-silver-separations-Divorce-rate-60s-surges.html). This doesn’t surprise me and I have covered the issue several times recently.

A relationship takes work, and over the course of 35 years or more, it can very easily become overlooked. As the children start to leave home and create their own lives, two things happen: Firstly, envy can creep in. Seeing a child start their adult life at the beginning of a new career, perhaps in a passionate relationship, independent and with their whole life ahead can make you feel your life is over and you are invisible. Secondly, with no children under your roof and perhaps with less or no work, you are left to look at your partner and find that you have left it too long to revive something. Too many years have passed with no connection.

It is ironic, that at the moment that you could actually spend more time together unencumbered by domestic duties, you wish to spend less time because you realise you have nothing to say and that you hardly know your partner. In the bustle of the business of your family life, you forgot that buried in the noise of it all was your relationship. There are now many more divorces of people over 60 than there have ever been. People simply ‘wake up’ after years of running around and find they have fallen out of love. Relationships need nurturing. Whatever path you decide to take will have its hurdles -a divorce being every bit as hard as staying together through the good times and the very bad.

http://www.onlymums.org/index.php?page=news&newsarticle=Coping_with_the_Divorce_process or http://www.onlydads.org/index.php?page=news&newsarticle=Coping_with_the_Divorce_process